Questions Kids Never Ask

Posted: July 3, 2014 in Uncategorized

I joined the Disney Movie Club. Why, you might ask… I don’t particularly have a good reason for this, other than in the back of my brain I believe i should own every Disney movie every made. It’s a sickness.

I’ve watched most of them as both a child and an adult. There are questions I ask today that I wouldn’t have thought to ask before.

1. In The Little Mermaid

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Everyone speaks English. Is English the official language of the ocean?

If so, why does Sebastian have a Caribbean accent?

How did he get to King Triton’s court?

Why do the animals understand English?

What kind of dude is Eric to fall in love with a voice? Creepy.

What kind of father is Triton that he could have given Ariel legs the whole time and chose not to? Humanphobic much??? That’s just bad parenting.

Also, when Sebastian is singing “Kiss the Girl” on the boat, can Eric hear and understand him? Ariel can clearly hear and understand him and she’s human/mermaid…can Eric? Who the hell does he think is singing this weird song? And is no one else disturbed by the ducks forcing the turtles to roll over so they can beat on their underside? This seems like a species crime.

So, here’s a technical question. How does Ariel pee?

What do mer-people eat? They fear the humans because their fish eaters so what? Nothing but seaweed all day long? That seems really boring. No wonder she wanted out.

How do mer-people have sex? How do they reproduce? THEY DON’T HAVE A HOLE!

These are the questions that occupy my mind now when I’m watching Disney movies. Does this mean the magic is gone? I don’t think so. It just means my imagination has to work harder to make everything plausible. Right????

Comments
  1. Ariel has a cloaca. And, yes, it smells kinda fishy.

    Like

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