I know this is going to sound weird but I love crazy people. Ross would argue that I’m one of them but my crazy is entirely different than the tin foil hat wearing kind of crazy. I’m more of a hyper focused, everything-must-be-exactly-the-way-I-want-it kinda crazy.

I knew a woman who horded nothing but dried beans in her basement.

I know a woman who bought a fire ladder for her new house but didn’t buy furniture. This is you Della! She also has a “go bag” encase she has to skip town in a hurry. The dog she now owns, however, makes that more difficult. I’m sure she has a go bag for the dog too.

I once worked with a woman who was eccentric to say the least. In a single afternoon, I overheard some of the best statements of my life.

1. “Maybe I’ll see bigfoot this weekend when we go camping”
2. “I think the full moon made my dogs crazy”
3. “I would like to meet some aliens” (This was in reference to extraterrestrial aliens, not foreign aliens – although space aliens would fall under both categories. So, there’s that.)

These were actual quotes from three separate conversations. However, the best conversation I ever had with this particular woman was about her fear of taking a boat onto Lake Erie. I know what you’re thinking…she’s afraid of choppy water or being away from land. Maybe she can’t swim! All of those assumptions would be incorrect. In actuality, she was concerned about pirates.

You read that right. PIRATES!

At the time, I had this image in my head of a bunch of Canadian dudes with beards, demanding all of their Tim Horton’s donuts. But being very polite about it.

People might say that I’m being mean to people. Listen, everyone is a little bit crazy. In addition to my above acknowledgement of crazy, I also believe the following things:

  1. A person absolutely shouldn’t run unless someone is chasing them. And then, just trip the other person.
  2. I keep a machete in my house because in a zombie apocalypse, bullets will be scarce.
  3. The suburbs are creepy and I live there, so I know.
  4. And that Columbus Ohio will one day be ocean front property once all the ice caps melt. So, buy in Columbus now, while the getting is good.

I know I’m old. I get it. But when did the phenomenon of extravagant prom and homecoming invitations become a thing?

I see these on facebook every year. There’s always some elaborate set up; a big sign, an entire team involved, or some damned tabernacle choir singing. Can’t you just ask someone to go to prom? I especially don’t get it if you’re already dating. Isn’t that kind of a given?

Also, when I googled it, the thing has a name – Promposals – what?

This is so much pressure and quite frankly, asking in the first place is stressful enough. Now, you have to come up with some crazy theme, with balloons or a million falling dominoes to spell out “prom”.

I’m sorry, that’s just too much pressure.

I do have a couple of questions when considering some of the pictures from the link above.

  1. Are the schools really okay with students filling hallways with balloons and taking up school time to do this? Shouldn’t they be concerned about education instead of if Johnny and Sarah go to prom? Isn’t that a distraction? Maybe we should stop worrying about the size of the strap on girls’ tank tops and be concerned with this instead.
  2. If I was the owner of those cows, I’d be pissed. No question here but it needed to be said.
  3. What’s with all the creepers? Someone is creeping into my room to leave a bunch of stalker type shit for me to find, I’m sorry, I’m calling the cops.
  4. Who is okay with people messing with their food? No one, that’s who.
  5. A kitten? Really? Did a parent okay that? What if he/she is allergic to cats? You just killed your potential prom date. Good job!

I don’t even want to know what the trend will be when Scarlett is prom/homecoming age. Maybe they won’t have it anymore. One can only hope.

Disney is God

Posted: March 24, 2017 in Uncategorized
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I’m just going to leave this here…

My daughter’s playroom. We don’t mess around.

Well, since I’m posting in March and the title of this blog is “My Favorite Month”, you can assume that it’s March. You would be right. This is true for several reasons.

  1. My daughter was born in March. Just as a reminder of how stinkin’ cute she is. Here’s a photo. 2016-10-1216-15-23.747880
  2. March Madness! Need I say more. Also, my bracket was not busted. After two rounds of play, I’m at 93%. That’s right, cause I had Wisconsin winning. Ross is suitably impressed.

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3.  Shamrock Shakes. Let’s just take a moment and let that sink in. SHAMROCK SHAKES! Every year, the sugary sweetness of mint flavored milk calls to me. I feel about the shamrock shake like Ross feels about the McRib. Both are disgusting and will make you sick but you love them anyway. I wait, every year, for March to come around so I can suck down some minty goodness. The first McDonald’s I went through was a disappointment. Their shake machine was down. WTF? It’s shamrock shake time. Your shake machine cannot – and I repeat – CANNOT be down. So, on Friday (and on St. Patrick’s day too) I made a really bad choice. Not only did I get a Shamrock shake but I got a 20 piece chicken nugget as well.

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Don’t worry. I paid for it later. Not only were the nuggets both delicious and disgusting – all at the same time. The problem is that not only were the nuggets a bad choice (covered in sweet & sour sauce. uh huh, you read that right) but I’m lactose intolerant. So there’s that.

Here’s the thing. I need to get another one before the end of March and they disappear for another year.

Saturday was Scarlett’s 2nd birthday party. During the course of the party, I was explaining to my mother about how Etsy was the devil. It truly is. But I would also like to point out that if Etsy is the devil, then Pintrest is temptation. Let me explain.

You’re planning a party. You start going on Pintrest to see what kind of stuff other people have done. This was my board for her 1st Birthday Party. As you can see, I went through there and was like I can do all of this. See regular people like me can put on a party that is fabulous. I didn’t learn my lesson from year one because here is my board for her 2nd Birthday Party.  I realize that some of these were super f’in crafty moms that live to scrapbook and glue shit together. I am not one of those people. However, I didn’t let that stop me. Bitches, I don’t mess around. I don’t make stuff but I buy stuff like a tornado.

This is where the devil that is Etsy comes in. If you can’t make it yourself, someone else can and guaranteed they have a shop on Etsy. Plus, you don’t buy it all at once. You get a piece here, a piece there and before you know it, you’ve spent $300 on birthday party decorations and you’re not sad about it. Not one bit. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I bought a vinyl decal of Tinkerbell from a woman in Israel. Don’t care.

So, after my first foray into the pit of Pintrest and Etsy last year.

There was a lot of exacto knife action and hot glue for this stuff. Did I learn my lesson? NO!

Here are some pictures from her 2nd Birthday Party.

Do you see those stupid little Mickey Mouse heads? I cut those out for three nights straight. The worst part is that I cut out too many for all the places I put them so now, I just have a bunch of extra Mickey Mouse heads. Boo!

Plus, my friend Eva made the cake! It was AWESOME! Both tasty and beautiful.

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So, what have I learned? Nothing. More than likely, I’ll be on Pinterest again next year right after Christmas and looking for a new theme. This horrible cycle will continue because I am a non-repentant sinner. I love this shit and I’m so glad there are some crafty people on Etsy that will do it for me. Otherwise, I would be sad. Scarlett doesn’t care. She’s two.

My Baby

Posted: March 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

Two years ago today, I squeezed a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon. So, that was fun. This was that watermelon then.

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She’s all wrinkly and cute.

That seems like such a long time ago now. And the point at the top of her head has gone away…I promise. There have been quite a few sleepless nights. A lot of giggling. In depth conversations about lions and gorillas. Don’t laugh. It’s true. Between then and now, Scarlett has grown into the most adorable little girl.

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And this picture proves it! So, to celebrate. Today, I’m spending the day with her for Mommy/Scarlett fun time. Be jealous! There are playgrounds and a breakfast out in our future.

If you know anything about me, you know that March is my jam. I love the NCAA Tournament to an unhealthy level. Every year, Ross and I take the first Thursday and Friday off to sit at a bar and watch all the games. We drink. We swear. We make both intelligent and unintelligent conversation about what’s going on. Basically, in a group of our friends all consisting of men, I’m the only woman sitting at the bar. I’m usually the most vocal. This is what love is. Although, Ross refuses to go to a live game with me. He objects to my behavior. I say, if you don’t want your children to hear that type of language, don’t bring them to a sporting event. If nothing else, they’ll learn how to use swear words properly.

If you’re my friend, you’d also know that I love Buckeye basketball. Behind Walt Disney, Thad Matta is God. However, they sucked this year. SUCKED! Sucked to the point that I couldn’t watch them. It depressed me. I’m an angry fan. I expect the best and I get upset when my teams fall short of that expectation. Harsh? Perhaps. But that’s the way I roll. No apologies and no settling. My Buckeyes are not in the Tournament this year. That makes me sad but the reality of the situation is that I’d rather not be in it than be embarrassed.

So, regardless if my team is in the Big Dance or not, I’ve filled out my brackets (3 to be exact), I’m excited to hang out with my friends this week, and I’m excited for basketball.